There were some gentle and soothing tears shed this morning on my way to work as I realised I had been hiding from some grief. I connected with feeling that some people in my life had let me down, they hadn’t been there for me when I needed them. Walking in my own love to the tube, I felt that grief and allowed it to express, tears rolling down my face. I felt really vulnerable and fragile in the crowd as I walked and rested in my seat. I was surrounded by scores of people all pressing against one another in silence as the carriage filled to bursting. And me, sitting with myself, in my own love.
Over the last few weeks, I have been exploring my personal relationship with meals, food, emotion and eating. And the concept to only eat when I am hungry … I know that sounds common-sense, but the fact is that I don’t always eat when I’m hungry, I find myself eating when I am not! I don’t usually eat breakfast and I’ve noticed that around lunchtime, when all my colleagues are having their sandwiches, I have an urge to eat – though I don’t feel hungry at all. I’m feeling the pull of society and the myth/brain-washing that we need to eat three meals a day at certain times. I eat for something to do when I am bored; I eat to make others feel comfortable because they are eating, so should I … the list goes on …
My own fragility this morning has exposed another deeper pattern that when I am feeling that vulnerability, I feel exposed, and then feel the need to eat. A couple of days ago, I wrote to a manufacturer of a sunflower seed snack that they are unpalatable due to excess salt. And no coincidence that an ‘apology’ package arrived containing cashews. And I had to try then – inevitably, I ate the 100g and am now feeling bloated.
How awesome to expose that when I feel vulnerable and exposed that I feel the need to eat something; to fill myself from the outside in.
And how wonderful to be so tender with myself now and not judge or be self-critical, but to simply observe and reveal this pattern of self-abuse in a caring way an adult would be with a small child who had eaten something that didn’t agree with them. How precious that I can turn around the self-abuse to self-love in an instant and see that the theme I revealed this morning – that people let me down – is a theme I am using against myself today.
I totally let myself down by eating instead of feeling my own tenderness and vulnerability. And it is exposed again by eating when I am not hungry.
And the return journey to feel the impulse from my own tenderness continues and reveals another layer of subtle abuse that is ready to be exposed with the grace of love.